headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
