Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
