Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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