I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
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