Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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