she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
