I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
