just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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