last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
