he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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