If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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