you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize