Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
