My liver just broke up with me...
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
she smelled like a LAN party
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
