Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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