Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
