Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
