this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize