Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I think I just shit out all my problems.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
