I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
