I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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