So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
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