if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
