You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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