I am in a vortex of obligation.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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