I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
