I accidentally had phone sex last night
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
