There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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