i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
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Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
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Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
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