College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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