So drunk, too bad you don't want this
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You ruined the universe
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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