This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
we're making bets on your personal life
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
