i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
