they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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