Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
