Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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