Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Randomize
