Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
