Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Randomize
