my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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