There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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