matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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