I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
