You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
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