How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
