It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
