the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
