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I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
