I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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