and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
