I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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