I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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