6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
That's intense
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize