I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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