Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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