I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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