THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
