I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
