Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
