You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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