can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
